(time after time)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 || 5:16 PM

It's quite funny sometimes you think back and recall the things you've said and the things you were thinking at the point of time and now, you're thinking otherwise. it's almost contradicting but somehow possible? yeah. God give everyone the opportunity to see someone's other side or even someone's true colors. somethings that were left unsaid or undone, might never be done in this lifetime anymore. like they say, opportunity don't come knocking on your door twice. it's so true. even if it did, it's a lie. it's just a lie in disguise. trust me, it really is. &no matter how much sincerity or whatever it was for the second time, it's a lie. really, a stupid idiotic meaningless childish irritating lie.

Lost my drive for music now. Maybe my passion or my 'love' for music is only to the extend of a hobby, a leisure activity, something that i can do when i have free time. &maybe,I'm just don't have that music genes inside of me. that sounds terribly odd and wrong. but yeah, the meaning's is just that.

Now, im too scared to fall. and somehow, i guess im a soreloser? is that what you call it ? &somehow, i just dislike the feeling of not being the best. yeah, im a sucker. really big time, competitive asshole. sheeeeeesh. looking at who was 4years ago, i wasnt this competitive at all. i was completely happy and carefree. looking at me now, im so competitive. somehow, i dont even seem to do anything about it. am i in the wrong ? just trying my best to be at the top? ive nothing to count on except for working hard to be the top.

Okay, musis studies music studies music studies. im so envious people have other people to guild them. somehow, most of the things i have and can ever count on, is myself. no one is there to help me. &every step i climb to the top, is draining my energy because ive no one to guild me there.