i believed otherwise.
i chose otherwise.
i did otherwise.
thats why, i became otherwise.

life is full of choices. day in and day out, we have to make at least a choice. it might be the most insignificant question like, should i use the washroom ,to the most important question like, will you marry me. The different choices we make, would make us who we are today. a monster? an angel? a goody-two-shoes? a naive kid? everything. it makes us who we are.

sometimes, i feel im very foolish. and at times,too naive or too 'smart' in my opinion. to think things so complicated. my choice then was to study hard and move on with life. with or without people by my side always, wasnt much of a deal. now, looking back. i was foolish. but i'll never regret what ive done.

although i didnt get to experience much of it, at least i got something in return. my results. though it isnt very great or perfect, im satisfied with myself for for the first time, making an effort and taking charge of my own education and finally reaping what i sow. it wasnt what i expected, i expected more. but there was a sense of satisfaction.

All these complicated feelings, are they really necessary? all these arguments, heart talk, jealousy. is it really necessary ? am i trying to be smart once again? there are times i really regret what ive done. but i had to pysco myself saying " your future, this is what you need to do" maybe, im a person who cant multitask very well. to be in love, to be with friends , strive to get good grades &above all things, spend time with family. i wouldnt make it. especially for striving to get good grades. i couldnt. a person has it's own limits. &sometimes in life, you cant be the best in everything. but you can be the best in something. God made us that way. He give and take.

Sometimes, i think of God's plan for all of us is simple. He'll say " give me something and i'll return you something in return". He might give us all the toughest challenges and the hardest decisions, but he know it was necessary for us. I couldnt give my whole heart to you D. I couldnt spend time with you then D. i couldnt. i had to "give & take". &Im sorry , it's us that has to go.

I realised,ive been trying to close myself from love since two years ago. maybe im sick of those non-stop crying at night. crying on the phone at 1am and talking my heart out. J, at one point, i decided to try opening my heart to you, i got back a whole bucket filled with heartache. D, i was hoping things would work out for you and me this time. i guess not. maybe it was you. and partly it was me. when you initiated not staying as it was then, i had to be strong. even though i wasnt, i had to at least act strong. at least act strong in front of you. I had nothing to cling onto. nothing, there for real. i only had _. yet, i chose to let it go. but it taught me a lesson. dont ever be to naive, to believe that something cannot happen twice.

You know, the choices ive made in life so far. it has cost me a lot, but every price paid, had it's own reason and definitely taught me a lesson. if you say regrets, i might have a few. but those things were what that make me strive to be a better person or at least not make the same mistake again.

Wow, ive written quite a lot for today. well, maybe today has been a mad day for me. in so many ways. &maybe, im starting to open up and hopefully stop lying to myself. i guess, i need a time out in terms of this.well, this really is the only place for the escaper to say everything she wants to say. like the name means, escape-r (: